Nostalgia Critic reviews Endless Love
by Alex Popp
Summary: The Nostalgia Critic tries to talk about the epic failure of this 2014 remake, while Cinema Snob constantly disrupts the review with his criticism on the numerous liberties taken with the Scott Spencer novel.


I am a huge fan of the Nostalgia Critic. He has been my biggest comedic influence when I get together with friends to make fun of a movie.

I usually dress up as the Nostalgia Critic for Halloween, but this year, I thought I'd write my own NC review as well. I saw Endless Love on Valentine's Day, and I got a good laugh out of how bad it was. That very evening, I sent a request to NC to review the movie when it came out on DVD. So far, he hasn't. So I thought I'd do it myself. I've written it in the style of the Channel Awesome wiki site.

It may not be as effective when you're reading as it is when you're seeing it all onscreen, but there are some clips from the movie on YouTube you can see that are included in the review.

There are some jokes that you won't get if you haven't seen NC's reviews on Bridge to Terabithia, The Shining, and The Purge.

Also, I thought it would be fitting that Cinema Snob would continuously interrupt the review. You will never see him more ticked than in his Midnight Screenings video for the movie.

Enjoy!

* * *

><p>(cue the intro and theme song) (cut to NC)<p>

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Well, it seems HyperFanGirl has still yet to return, so at first I thought I could have a good long break from all the vagina pandering of Princess Diaries 2. However, there is this one certain film that's been sticking in my mind ever since its release on Valentine's Day. A movie that makes every third act breakup ever done in film seem original. I am talking about this little train wreck that sours your box of chocolates merely known as Endless Love.

(clips of the movie play)

NC: (voiceover) The movie lives up to half its title, because it does feel endless, but there's certainly no love to be found. With a clichéd story, clichéd characters, a clichéd script, and clichéd conflict, this whole film is really just one giant cliché. But what makes this film stand out among other generic romances is that it will even take these clichés to ridiculous extremes. It's that shameless. It's so unoriginal, so half-assed, and so dimwitted that I'm inclined to believe that Twilight may not be the worst love story after all.

NC: So let's not waste any time. Let's dive right into…

(there is sudden static in the video)

NC: What? What was that?

(more static)

(Cinema Snob appears onscreen)

CS: What is this?

NC: Cinema Snob, what are you doing here?

CS: Nobody does a review of this movie without me! Nobody who hasn't read the book that it claims to be based on.

NC: Wait a minute. Haven't you reviewed this movie already?

CS: That would be the 1981 version that got Brooke Shields making a name for herself by standing around looking pretty. That movie was a frickin' bad adaptation of the Scott Spencer novel, but it at least TRIED to be an adaptation. This movie does nothing but piss all over it. It is the single worst adaptation I've ever seen, and it must be recognized for the countless ways that it tramples on the narrative of the so-called source material.

NC: Okay, well…example?

CS: Oh, where to begin? Let's start with the fact that the book was a cautionary tale about how young reckless lust can drive you insane, and this movie doesn't acknowledge that at all and makes it into a sappy love story. Or that the centerpiece of the story is the boy setting the girl's house on fire and trying to save her family to make them appreciate him, and was NOT just an accident at the end.

NC: Okay, well…

CS: Or that the characters aren't even the same ages as in the book. The girl was 15 and the guy was 17.

NC: Well, you still gotta…

CS: And there was nobody in the girl's family who died of cancer. They were all very much…

(NC picks up his remote and turns off)

NC: I have a feeling that I shouldn't have asked. So, I'm going to take Snob's word for it, and we're going to look at this film as a movie. So without further ado, let's find out what started my endless hatred toward Endless Love.

NC: (voiceover) So first we get the Universal logo which still remains cloudless, even with the 100th anniversary addition.

(soothing guitar and piano music plays over the opening logo)

NC: (voicover) Ah, yes. Music from the movie playing over the opening logos, giving you an exhilaration for what's to come. That's the only good cliché in this entire movie, folks.

NC: Come to think about it, I'm gonna have to replace "The Sexy Cry" with it on my Top 11 Coolest Cliches.

NC: (voiceover) So then we get our title, and the film begins.

(the movie starts with a close-up of Jade's face while the camera slowly zooms out)

David: (voiceover) There was girl. A beautiful girl surrounded by people, yet utterly alone.

NC: (sighs) Oh boy, this going to be one of those movies, isn't it?

David: (voiceover) I watched her for all of high school, waiting for that perfect moment to talk to her. But that…that moment never came.

NC: Never throughout all four years of high school?! Boy, I would be so driven mad after the first few months that I would be pushing people to the floor just to get to her. You clearly have not been trying!

David: (voiceover) I watched as people gradually forgot about her. And although she didn't know it, I saw the possibility of us.

NC: (voiceover) Four years of just watching her and you see the possibility of you two.

NC: What is that, love at four hundred and eighty-third sight?

(sudden static)

CS: Hey, that's exactly what I said in my review for the original! Don't you think we could take on this movie together?

NC: Snob, we still have our crossover on Sharknado 2 coming…

CS: Now, I will say that the only reasonable change made is that in the book, the boy's name was David Axelrod, which obviously they had to change because that's the name of Barack Obama's former political advisor.

NC: Okay well, that's kind of funny, um…

CS: But there's still the fact that the film takes place in Georgia while it should be Chicago…

(NC rolls his eyes, grabs the remote and switches back to the movie)

NC: (voiceover) So this is David, played by Alex Pettyfer. He has a crush on a pretty, young girl named Jade, played by Gabriella Wilde. That's right. Two English, clearly twenty-something year-old, actors playing American teenagers. But who cares? It's a romance for swoony, moon-eyed teens. We have to have an Abercrombie & Fitch model paired up with a discount Jonas Brother.

(back to scenes from Endless Love)

NC: (voiceover) So it turns out that Jade has secluded herself from everyone after her brother Chris died of cancer. In this scene, at first, it looks like a group of girls are inviting her to be in their graduation photo, but all they wanted was for her to take the picture.

(Jade goes down to her brother Keith)

Jade: I barely know those girls. I didn't expect to be in the picture.

NC: Really? Then where were you expecting to be when you stood there to be in the picture?

(slaps himself on the head)

NC: (voiceover) Yeah, I find it kind of strange how Jade is the rich girl, and everybody forgot about her just because she had been such a bookworm. I mean, don't you think she'd be among at least the top 20 most popular kids in school? And for that matter, if no one ever wanted to be around her, then what was David up against when trying to talk to her for four years?

NC: I repeat. Boy, you clearly have not been trying!

NC: (voiceover) But at least Jade does have a close relationship with her other brother Keith, played by Rhys Wakefield.

NC: Rhys Wakefield…where have I heard that name before?

(a screenshot of the polite leader in 'The Purge' appears)

NC: (voiceover) It's Henry from The Purge?!

(the words 'HIS NAME'S NOT HENRY' overlaps the screen accompanied by a buzzer sound effect)

NC: Okay, yeah, it's not. But man! Just that adorable smile of his is enough to give this movie a plus!

NC: (voiceover) So let me guess, he's the best thing about this movie too?

(the words 'SECOND BEST' overlaps the screen accompanied by a ding sound effect)

NC: Second? (beat) Oh yeah, because the black guy is #1.

NC: (voiceover) Yes, David's sidekick Mace is the best thing about the movie, punctuating the script with some admittedly good comic relief.

Mace: No. It was me. I ate the Fatburger. (skip) Mingled with the masses. (skip) (whispering) The ice has melted. (skip) Is my Fatburger evidence? Because I'd like to finish eating it. (skip) (singing) Jade Butterfield, come back to me!

NC: There's no way the actor didn't ad lib these lines. Not with a script this consistently brainless.

NC: (voiceover) So it turns out David and Mace work as valets at an upscale restaurant. It's here that David finally gets the opportunity to talk to Jade.

(David opens the car doors for Jade and her mother)

David: Welcome to the Inn.

(Jade drops her yearbook, and she and David bend over to pick it up, resulting in them looking into each other's eyes)

NC: Wow. Just when you thought that cliché was beginning to die, this movie cures it. Get used to it, folks. The whole movie is like that.

NC: (voiceover) So another rich guy pulls up in his hotshot Maserati wearing sunglasses, which the director clearly told him to do so that we who were dumb enough to pay for this movie know that he's an asshole.

Maserati Driver: It's time to learn.

(he drops his car keys on the ground)

NC: (voiceover) So David and Mace decide to pull a Ferris Bueller and take a joyride in the guy's car, and actually invite Jade to come along with them. So they burn rubber and zoom into the countryside.

(Mace stands in the backseat with his arms raised, cheering)

(David glances at Jade's thighs as her dress blows in the wind. She quickly tugs her dress over her knees. She looks over at David and smiles.)

Tamara: (voiceover) (imitating Jade) I never knew anyone who would gaze at my thighs before.

NC: (voiceover) But unfortunately, they return to the restaurant to find an angry customer.

Maserati Driver: Well, it's going to take a lot more than stealing my car to get her to spread her legs.

(David punches him in the face)

NC: (voiceover) (imitating David) How dare you get angry at me for hijacking your car!

Maserati Driver: I'll sue him! I'll sue! I'll sue you! I'll sue everybody! I'll sue this whole place!

(cuts to a scene from NC's The Tommy Wiseau Show)

John : I EVEN SUED MYSELF LAST WEEK! GUESS WHO WON? **ME!**

NC: (voiceover) So despite knowing David for but one blast of exhaust, Jade seems instantly head over heels for the guy. So much so that she actually thinks that she's opening up to people a bit more. So she decides to have a graduation party at her house. Unfortunately though, it doesn't seem that she has the best of luck in having a lot of guests. That is until David arrives, and he decides to crash the other party that everybody else is at. He does this by means of what is probably the most original concept in the movie: an Englishman impersonating an Englishman.

(David is on the phone with the police talking with a British accent, which is obviously Alex Pettyfer just using his normal voice)

David: Hello, I'm calling about a very loud party at 44 Seawall Road. And, oh God, there seems to be someone pissing on my Mini Cooper.

NC: (voiceover) And then, this happens…

(everybody from the other party is welcomed into Jade's house)

NC: (voiceover) Oh yeah, partiers who just got screwed by the cops are going to get off scot-free and just skip on over to the other party that's happening.

NC: Hate to break it to you, movie, but I'm not as stupid as you are.

NC: (voiceover) But it wouldn't be the most clichéd romance ever without a mischievous ex, now would it? Among the crowd is David's last girlfriend Jenny, who isn't all thrilled about being there.

Jenny: Now all my friends are at Jade Butterfield's party. The girl who acted like we didn't exist in high school. Does that make sense to you?

NC: (voiceover) I'm sorry. I know I'm dwelling on this, but WHAT IS EVERYBODY'S PROBLEM?! Her brother died for Pete's sake! Is it so hard to comprehend someone feeling lonely after something like that? Hell, there was a plaque outside the school dedicated to him. It's not like his death just went unnoticed.

(cuts back to the movie)

Keith: Each couple has to pick a song out of the hat. And you all have half an hour to choreograph a routine.

(cuts to David and Jade outside)

Jade: Our song is romantic…

(the words "WHAT ELSE WOULD IT BE?" overlap the screen accompanied by a buzzer sound effect)

Jade: …so we should probably do a lot of figure skating moves.

(she begins demonstrating with some very awkward looking motions)

NC: (voiceover) (as a judge) Uh…sorry, miss, but imitating a drunk mosquito doesn't pass for figure skating.

NC: All I can say is in this kind of movie, the lovers who've barely been around each other for a total of an hour are bound to lock lips in a forcefully whimsical scene like this.

(reaches off screen for a bucket)

NC: So if that happens, must keep a bucket on stand-by.

(cuts back to the movie, where David spins her around toward him)

Jade: It goes over really well.

(they end up in each other's embrace, nearly, but not quite, locking lips)

NC: Close enough.

(vomits into the bucket)

NC: (voiceover) But evidently, this party is high, because everyone goes fucking nuts for their routine like it's the greatest thing they've ever seen.

(sure enough, the audience cheers wildly at their every move they "figure skate" to the song "Crickets" by Drop City Yacht Club feat. Jeremih)

NC: (voiceover) Seriously guys, this isn't that impressive. Is anybody catching the rhythm? Every move looks totally disjointed. In fact, I wouldn't even be surprised if they got disjointed. But evil ex no likey. She cuts the power to the house, stopping the song. But it doesn't end David and Jade's fun.

(David leads Jade into a closet)

David: I've wanted to kiss you since the 10th grade. I can't go another minute without telling you that.

(cuts to a scene from The Amazing Spider-Man 2 with Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy hiding in a closet)

Peter: This is the most clichéd hiding spot you could have chosen.

Gwen: (sarcastic) Oh, I'm sorry I didn't take us to the Bahamas of hiding places.

NC: (voiceover) So while the power's out, an announcement is made by Jade's father Hugh, played by Bruce Greenwood in his first ever bad performance.

Hugh: We're all here tonight because of our daughter Jade, a girl that brings…

(David and Jade remain in the closet with their faces together, but still no lip-locking)

NC: (voiceover) No guys, you're still doing it wrong. Kissing is done by lip contact, not just by pressing your faces together like a pair of penguins.

(cuts to an image of two emperor penguins standing with their heads together, before cutting back to the movie)

Hugh: Jade, where are you?

(Jade exits the closet with David following)

Somebody in crowd: Busted!

Mace: Oh, shit.

NC: Hey, here's a crazy idea. Why didn't David just STAY IN THE FUCKING CLOSET? Was he afraid that someone would crack a 'coming out of the closet' joke and he didn't want it all to be on her?

Hugh: Here's to Jade.

Everyone: To Jade.

(suddenly, a glass breaking noise in the kitchen is heard)

(everyone pauses for a moment)

Hugh: Okay.

NC: What was the point of that? Was the movie just a few seconds too short so they had to add in glass breaking scene?

NC: (voiceover) Oh well, who cares? So everybody clears out in just about record time, and David tries to reassure Jade's father after what he saw that evening.

David: You know, I really respect your daughter, sir.

(Jade listens from inside the house)

David: And the truth is…I think she's amazing.

NC: Um…why?

(he continues speaking as it cuts back to the movie where Jade sneaks out to see David, who's walking on cars)

NC: (voiceover) I mean, I know she's good-looking and all, but there's more to a girl than that. What has she done that's shown that she has anything of virtue? You've barely shared more than a few sentences with her since you've…

(Jade meets David outside and immediately they begin kissing passionately)

NC: (voiceover) Ah, now you two have got…uh…actually now you're way overdoing it.

NC: Seriously, just why are they so drawn to each other? There's little to no buildup to them becoming convinced that they're in love. I hate to cop out here, but take it, Frozen!

(cuts to a scene from 'Frozen' where Anna and Kristoff are in the sleigh being hauled by Sven)

Kristoff: You mean to tell me you got engaged to someone you just met that day?

NC: Yeah. Didn't we learn anything from that movie?

(cuts back to the movie where Jade is running home in slow motion with her chin up and arms spread out)

(NC looks unimpressed)

NC: All of a sudden, I feel like I owe Bridge to Terabithia an apology for mocking all its forceful, in-your-face, whimsy.

NC: (voiceover) So to try and please Jade's father even more, David mends the carburetor of the car that belonged to the deceased brother. Apparently, Hugh has very sentimental feelings toward his son's possessions. But still, he's not as fond of the boy as everyone else in the family.

NC: Hey, I haven't seen that in a movie before. That is, except for all of them.

NC: (voiceover) But as if this movie wasn't clichéd enough, we learn over dinner that Jade is meant to follow in her father's footsteps and become a doctor just like him.

Hugh: It was your grandfather's, it was mine, and it was going to be Chris's. And now it's yours.

(Jade opens a case holding a stethoscope)

Jade: Wow, it's…too much.

NC: (voiceover) Really? The family has had a stethoscope that's been passed on generation to generation?

NC: That's…just…silly.

NC: (voiceover) So as the evening continues, we learn that David doesn't have much in the way of future plans.

David: I don't need much. A warm bed, clean socks, some milk in the fridge, a nice girl to come home to.

Hugh: But it's not all you need.

David: I get that. But I do think that love comes first, you know. That's what I want to find: true love. The kind that you fight for.

(Jade listens while smiling lovingly at him)

David: And when I find that, it's all I need.

NC: (imitating Jade) (sighs lovingly) Every word he says is just bang on. No pun intended.

NC: (voiceover) Actually, the funny thing is, Alex Pettyfer looks like he's actually trying with these lines. You can tell he believes in these tropes, and he's seriously trying to be profound with them. I don't know if it was his or the director's naivete, but it's almost kind of intriguing just how much passion is put into these clichés.

(the family makes a toast to love)

NC: (voiceover) So David begins to head home, but is invited back by Jade after the lights are out. He comes back in to find her in front of a lit fireplace, (sarcastically) obviously suggesting the fire burning in their souls.

NC: But here's my question: WHY THE HELL IS THERE A FIRE BLAZING IN MID JUNE? This isn't Seattle, is it?

David: We don't have to do this. As much as I want to, I can wait.

NC: (voiceover) Dude, you're in a sappy teen romance. There's no chance she's going to have any of that.

Jade: I don't want to wait. I want to feel this with you.

NC: Yeah, um, what was it the rich guy said earlier?

Maserati Driver: It's going to take a lot more than stealing my car to get her to spread her legs.

NC: You stand corrected.

NC: (voiceover) So they wake up on the kitchen floor in the morning and…they just talk.

Jade: (playfully) Who are you texting? That's unbelievably rude after what we just did.

NC: Uh, he should probably go before everyone wakes up.

David: I should probably go before everyone wakes up.

NC: Okay, fine, listen to your boyfriend.

(they continue just casually getting up)

NC: (voiceover) Really? No hurry?

Jade: It's mine now. Your first present to me.

NC: (voiceover) You know, why don't you just serve him brunch while you're at it. I'm sure you've got time.

(cuts to David and Jade looking at photos of a familiar-looking boy)

NC: (voiceover) But instead, Jade shows him pictures of her dead brother. And to be fair, if Ashton Kutcher was my brother and he died, I'd seclude myself from the world, too.

Jade: We're doing so much better. Some families never heal, and we're doing so well.

David: It's okay if none of that is true.

Jade: But it is.

David: I know. I'm just saying it's okay if it's not.

(cuts to a scene from 'Billy Madison')

Principal: What you just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

NC: (voiceover) So it turns out that Jade is leaving for an internship in ten days, meaning she and David can't be together for as much of the summer as they wanted to.

David: I don't care. I don't care if we have ten days, one week, or one day. I want you to spend it with me.

Jade: And if I do?

David: I promise you it'll be the best ten days of your life.

NC: Yeah, screw your wedding day. That marriage stuff is totally lame.

("The Price is Right" theme starts playing)

NC: What? What's going on?

(Malcolm appears in a grey hair wig)

Malcolm: Congratulations, Critic.

NC: Black Bob Barker!

Malcolm: Yes. You've been selected to fill in the romantic montage of the movie you're reviewing.

NC: Me?!

Malcolm: You! All you have to do is insert ten clichés into the film's montage in 60 seconds or less, and you win a prize!

NC: Alright! I can do that! I know every cliché in the unwritten book of clichés! Let me have it!

Malcolm: 60 seconds on the clock.

(A timer set at 60 and a 'cliché counter' appear onscreen as the Jeopardy music plays)

Malcolm: Go!

(the timer begins counting down)

(every scene appears as NC announces it)

NC: Making out in a library while trying to avoid being seen!

(1 is added to the cliché counter)

Malcolm: That's good, Critic. Keep going.

NC: Um…riding on a one-bicycle with no hands!

(2 is added to the cliché counter)

Malcolm: Yes! Yes!

NC: Frolicking in tall grass!

(3)

NC: Going to an evening disco dance!

(4)

NC: Trying on each other's clothing accessories!

(5)

NC: Flipping pancakes with the pan!

(buzzer sound effect)

Malcolm: Sorry, critic. That hasn't been done enough just yet to be considered a cliché.

NC: Oh no! Oh no! Okay…um…br…uh…frolicking in their swimwear!

(6 is added to the cliché counter)

Malcolm: Nice recovery!

NC: Yeah! Okay…Seeing a countdown of the days they have left.

(7)

NC: How about bathtub sex!

(8)

NC: Uh…writing 'I love you' on fogged up windows!

(9)

Malcolm: One more to go, critic! 13 seconds left!

NC: Oh boy, oh boy, come on! Uhhhhh…making out in the back of a pickup truck!

(the cliché counter flashes upon striking 10)

Malcolm: Well done, critic! You win!

NC: Woohoo! Man, watching a ton of movies sure does come in handy. What did I win?

Malcolm: You've just won the knowledge that you wasted 104 minutes of your life on the most trope-ridden romance ever!

NC: (chuckles) Yeah. Give me something I didn't know already, you twerp.

(cuts to Jade walking home past the driveway gate as David watches)

NC: (voiceover) So now the ten days have ended and David and Jade must now say their goodbyes.

(she turns around and runs back to him)

NC: (voiceover) Or not.

Jade: I don't want to leave. Tell me to stay.

NC: You tell me to do what I want to do right now, or else I'll…I'll…I'll just leave! Even though that's not what I want to do…But I'm warning you! I'll…Oh, I'm so daft.

David: Stay.

NC: Please don't say it again.

David: Stay.

NC: At least not a third time!

David: (louder) Stay!

NC: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

NC: (voiceover) But Jade's father doesn't take well to the news that his daughter isn't taking the internship.

Hugh: So this has nothing to do with David?

Jade: Maybe I do want more time with David.

Hugh: This doesn't make sense.

NC: I'm with him there. It totally doesn't. Kids who study doctorial science are very serious about their work. I mean, they would not do this just because they want more time with somebody. Look, this is simple. Just take the internship and keep in touch with the guy. This isn't rocket science.

NC: (voiceover) But the very next day, Hugh seems to have completely forgotten about wanting Jade to take the internship, because he decides instead that Jade needs family time away from David. So they pack up and go down to their getaway spot at the lake. But Jade just can't stand any more time away from David, and invites him over.

Hugh: I'm sorry, but inviting David was never part of the plan.

Jade: Actually, it is. He's my guest and he's staying.

(Jade leads David in past her father standing in silence)

(Jade's mother makes a "whatever" gesture)

NC: (voiceover) (imitating Jade's mother) Yeah, whatever. She's just getting a little rebellious. Happens to all of us.

NC: (voiceover) Oh yeah, forgot to mention, the mother in this movie is an easygoing pushover. She is always so blindly accepting of Jade's new nature. Listen to this scene for example:

Hugh: I don't even recognize her. She would never act this way before him.

Anne: I think she's right on track.

NC: (voiceover) It doesn't faze her even the slightest bit. It doesn't matter how reckless Jade gets or what delinquency she finds out about she and David being involved in. She is just all for the two of them being together. It just kills me. Oh yeah, and every monologue David has is followed by her saying just how "inspired" she is by him.

(plays a brief montage of Anne saying such lines)

NC: He could hang a piñata full of scorpions and she'd be inspired.

NC: (voiceover) But during a night of lighting sparklers, David goes into the garage to find out a (starts speaking sarcastically) dark secret about Hugh.

(David sees Hugh kissing another woman)

NC: (voiceover) What does this amount to?

NC: I'll just tell you right now. Nothing! Nothing at all! It's just dropped and never brought up again.

(cuts to a scene with David and Hugh on a boat out in the lake)

NC: (voiceover) Okay well, David and Hugh do discuss it, in a scene that quite frankly I wished would have resulted in a reenactment of The Talented Mr. Ripley, but it still serves no purpose.

NC: It's about as essential to the story as Lisa's mom's breast cancer in The Room.

(cuts to that scene from "The Room")

Claudette: I got the results of the test back. I definitely have breast cancer.

NC: Or any other subplot in that movie for that matter.

NC: (voiceover) So after that bit of pointlessness, our heroes meet up with David's friends, who convince them to join them as they break into a zoo for the evening.

Jade: Let's be young and dumb just for tonight.

NC: (voiceover) Just for tonight? You two have been young and dumb throughout this movie. I don't think you have to prompt him by saying "Just for tonight".

NC: (voiceover) Meanwhile, Jade's father comes across a letter of recommendation that his wife wrote to help David in applying for college.

Anne: (voiceover as Hugh reads) It's difficult to put into words, but his presence has affected not only my daughter, but our entire family. Quite simply, he's sparked something in all of us. A laughter in my son. An awakening in my daughter.

NC: (chuckles) And what does all that have to do with academics?

NC: (voiceover) Seriously, are the writers so dumb that they don't even know how recommendation letters work? This isn't a support system David is applying for. It's fucking college! They don't care about who he is or what he's done for other people.

NC: Got to admit though, I'm looking forward to the response she gets from them.

(static)

CS: Hey!

(NC groans)

CS: Am I hearing that you're actually starting to enjoy this movie?

NC: Well, it is kind of funny in how bad it is.

CS: No! No, it's not! Do not support this movie in any way, shape, or form. The only thing funny about it is the thought of some girl loving this movie so much that she wants to go read the book. Look critic, this movie did not hurt you as much as it did me. Believe me when I say that "World War Z" was better adaptation than this.

NC: Okay Snob, I'll make you a deal. I love the book "World War Z", so if you leave me alone, I'll suffer through that movie and we'll call it even.

CS: Hmm…no. Don't do that to yourself. Just count me in already.

NC: I can't. The review's going on too long already.

CS: Kind of like the deviations this movie takes from…

(NC switches him off)

NC: He is such a snob when it comes to cinema.

(cut to commercial)

(we return from the commercial)

NC: (voiceover) So as the rest of the teenagers screw around in the zoo, David and Jade are more wrapped up in each other. But evil ex no likey. She calls the cops on them and they all get busted. And that includes her, because she doesn't bother leaving the scene before the cops arrive. (arrow points to her)

NC: Dumbass.

NC: (voiceover) To allow everyone else to escape, David provokes the policemen.

(two cops chase after David, while the rest run the other way)

NC: (voiceover) (imitating one cop) We got six other kids running that way, but we got to home in on this one in particular.

Malcolm: (voiceover) (as another cop) One is all it takes to earn the doughnuts, boys.

NC: (voiceover) But David fails to give them the slip, and gets arrested. Meanwhile, Hugh finds a report regarding a past incident involving David, and sees this as an opportunity to talk Jade out of loving him. So he confronts her about it, and exaggerates the report to make it seem as though David has had a long criminal history.

Hugh: It's not going to be his first night in jail.

Anne: Hugh, you're not going to go and get him?

NC: Oh shut up!

Hugh: This is the kind of guy you really want to fight for?

Jade: (crying) Yes! I don't care about his past. There's nothing you can say that will change the way I feel about him!

NC: (voiceover) (as Hugh) Hey check this out, Jade. He's Osama Bin Laden.

Tamara: (voiceover) (as Jade) I said I don't care!

Jade: Please, dad. Get him out.

Hugh: On one condition.

Jade: Anything.

Admiral Ackbar: It's a trap!

NC: So, OF COURSE, the father blackmails her into not seeing David anymore, and has agreed to go down to the station and bail him out.

Hugh: Your relationship with my daughter is over. This is just a summer fling; it's not real love.

NC: (voiceover) You know, it's a pretty bad sign when I'm actually agreeing with the antagonist.

David: You're in no position to lecture me on what real love is. I know you have this incredible family. I've seen how you treat them. I would never treat Jade that way.

Hugh: (speaks haughtily) Oh, oh, well tell me. How would you treat her, David?

(NC starts laughing)

Hugh: I just, I would have thought you would have learned more from your past. I'm sure your father must have. (he corners David, speaking as though he were an evil villain) Never quite enough for your mother though, was it?

(NC cracks up harder)

Hugh: One day, you get home early from school and there's another man there. And what do you do, David? You beat him. (starts sauntering in circles around him) You beat him so badly, he has to be taken away in an ambulance.

(NC begins laughing uncontrollably)

NC: Wha-at the…?!

Hugh: That love you talked about at dinner. You're never going to have that. It doesn't exist. Jade will get bored with you.

NC: What is up with this guy? Was this really supposed to be intimidating? It's hilarious! I mean, when have you heard of an overbearing father who acts condescendingly villainous toward a boy he doesn't like?

NC: (voiceover) This is where Bruce Greenwood must have started feeling cumbersome with the material he was given. In fact, I can just imagine him having a word with the director about it.

(cuts to a sketch with NC as Bruce Greenwood and Tamara as the teeny bopper director. He approaches her as she sits in the director's chair, giggling)

NC: Mrs. Director?

Tamara: Hi, Brucey. What's up?

NC: The script says that I'm supposed to give an evil smirk at Alex and walk around him in circles while talking down to him.

Tamara: Yeah?

NC: Well, that seems very unnatural for the kind of character I play. Why am I to do all that?

Tamara: Because, you're like totally the bad guy.

NC: Yeah, but do we need to run that into the ground?

Tamara: Well, because everyone at first sees you as normal dad, you need to show everyone that you're BIG and MEAN like a real villain. And we need everyone to root against you and for David and Jade, because they're just like SO perfect for each other and are SO cute. So yeah, you know.

(pause)

NC: Is it too late for me to give the role to Christopher Walken?

Tamara: Yep.

NC: Great.

(he turns and walks away)

Tamara: Oh, and get some accent lessons from Alex, and grow a moustache to twirl.

NC: That won't be necessary.

(cuts back to the movie)

NC: (voiceover) But of course, Jade's father has crossed the line, and David decks the guy.

(David punches Hugh in the face)

(Hugh is on the ground, mouth bleeding)

Hugh: Ah, thank you, David. This is the real you. This is exactly who you are.

(cuts to a scene from "Return of the Jedi")

The Emperor: The hate is swelling in you now. Strike me down with all your hatred. And your journey to the dark side will be complete.

NC: Sheesh. What is it with me and Return of the Jedi jokes?

NC: (voiceover) But when Hugh returns to the house in the morning, Jade grabs his keys and takes off to go see David.

NC: Good thing she SOMEHOW knows exactly where to find him!

NC: (voiceover) Then we cut to…

Mace: (moving his fists, trying to cheer up David) He peppers him with a right. He peppers him with a left. He's got Hugh Butterfield in the corner!

NC: (laughs) Yes! Thank you, black man! Please, there's still half an hour left on the clock. Just do some stand-up comedy for a while, please.

NC: (voiceover) But alas, we must return to our story, as evil ex Jenny seems to have an oddly sudden change of heart, and acts gentle with comforting David about Jade being gone. That is until she comes back.

(Jade walks into the diner and sees David seated next to Jenny)

(she storms out and David goes after her)

David: Jade.

NC: (laughs) What the hell? They weren't even doing anything! She just comes in and sees him talking to another girl and assumes that he's a player? How stupid is this whore?

NC: (voiceover) I mean, I've seen dumb reasons for a third act misunderstanding, but this is taking it to a whole new level. Actually, I am curious to know if she would have had the same reaction if she came in to find him talking to another guy.

(the scene where Jade comes in plays again)

Tamara: (voiceover) (imitating Jade) He never told me he was gay!

(David catches up with Jade)

David: Jade! Stop!

Jade: That didn't take long, did it!

NC: (voiceover) (as David) Look at it this way: It didn't take any shorter than it did with you and I.

David: If you thought I was such an angel, maybe you never should have bothered with me.

Jade: So that's it. You're just going to walk away?

NC: (voiceover) Sure, why not? You were just about to.

David: I know I'm not good enough for you, but I'm not going to spend my entire life proving that I am.

NC: Um…optimal?

Jade: You're a coward! You know that? You don't fight for love! You're terrified of it!

NC: (with face buried in hands) Oh god, please make it stop!

(Jade gets back in the van and begins driving away)

Tamara: (voiceover) (as Jade) Oh, I'm so angry that I just feel like going and crashing into this car that's parked in the middle of the road for some odd reason.

(Jade crashes into that car)

David: Jade!

NC: (voiceover) So Jade suffers some injuries from the accident, but manages to recover fairly quickly. But wannabe supervillain dad wants to rest assure that David doesn't come near her again, so he demands a restraining order against him. But this doesn't stop Jade from coming over before she leaves for college to bid him farewell. Wait, what?

Harry: You shouldn't be here, Jade.

Jade: Can you at least tell him that I love him?

NC: (voiceover) Wha-ji-bu-WHAT THE FLYING FUCK?! He just gave up on you two scenes ago! You know, all that "terrified of love" bullshit! What, did you get hit in the head with an airbag or something?

NC: One way or another, that makes that whole breakup scene…("Entirely Pointless" caption pops up with a "ding" sound effect)…Entirely Pointless!

NC: (voiceover) Well, nevertheless, we get that clichéd sad song played over a montage of the two characters doing nothing but mope and dope around. And, what a shock, David doesn't get into college. Good going with that letter, Jade's mom. So David stays home, while Jade leaves for college.

(David watches as a plane flies overhead)

NC: (voiceover) (imitating David) She's on that plane. I just know it. I can feel it in my testicles.

NC: (voiceover) And what else does David do to pass the time?

(we see him in a bedroom with Jenny, who's sitting on the bed in her underwear)

NC: Ah, how nice. You're screwing your ex. Yeah, some love.

NC: (voiceover) But David does get some man advice from his father Robert Patrick, who must be dealing with depression by now with the furthering declination of his career since the T-1000.

Harry: What happened with your mom, that was my fault. Maybe she never loved me. I don't know. I'm not letting you make the same mistake I did. Fight for her.

David: He'll take the shop. And he'll sue you.

(Harry holds the punching bag David is using firm)

Harry: Let that asshole try. You really love this girl?

David: Yeah.

Harry: Then you fight for her and I'll be proud if you do.

NC: (voiceover) The only thing that could have made that scene more clichéd is if they drew Jade's father on the punching bag.

NC: (grinning) Although, that would redeem the whole movie.

NC: (voiceover) So later at the library, David meets Jade's mother, who tells him that Jade got herself another boyfriend named Miles. But despite that and the restraining order, he talks her into telling him when at Christmastime Jade would be arriving at the airport. When that day comes, her parents are there waiting for her.

Anne: David didn't get in to UGA. Did you know that?

Hugh: No, I didn't.

Anne: She said she never got my letter. You told me it went out with the mail.

Hugh: It did.

Anne: Oh, Hugh.

NC: (voiceover) Okay. So now a letter fails to get through to somebody.

NC: You might have seen this a long time ago, but I am now officially convinced that this movie is just a sugarcoated imitation of the basics of The Notebook.

NC: (voiceover) And that's most evident in this next scene. As Hugh goes inside upon finding out what Anne told David, David searches the airport for Jade.

(David unexpectedly grabs Jade and swings her around a pillar)

Tamara: (voiceover) (as Jade) Ah! Who's touching me…oh, it's you David. You could have been a little less rapey there…oh, who cares.

(they kiss)

David: I refuse to believe this is over. I haven't moved on.

(with their arms around the pillar, they gradually touch fingers)

(NC sighs in disgust at the sheer corniness of the scene)

David: And I don't think you have either.

NC: (mimicking David) Yeah. You're such a kidder with that Miles guy. You haven't moved on an inch. (points his 9mm pistol at the screen) Just confess.

NC: (voiceover) But still, David must ask…

David: Do you love this other guy?

Jade: Of course not. I will never love anyone like you.

NC: (voiceover) Now this is what I'm talking about. If you're going to rip off a great movie, you should at least understand what made that movie great to begin with.

(scenes from "The Notebook" are shown)

NC: (voiceover) In The Notebook, when Allie has to choose between Noah and Lon, we can feel that she has a difficult decision to make, because although we want her to choose Noah, Lon is encouraging to her instead of being a douchebag about it.

(back to "Endless Love")

NC: (voiceover) Here, there's no weight to it; we don't even see a glimpse of Jade and Miles together. So her response may as well be, "Well, I didn't give him my virginity, so no."

NC: Like I said, this is all a cheap imitation. As a matter of fact, it's a cheap imitation of every rich girl/poor boy love story ever made!

NC: (voiceover) So David and Jade plan their escape: to fly out of town and away from Jade's father. But that evening, as Jade prepares for the trip, she makes this totally bright move:

Jade: I choose to live my own life. I choose David.

(cuts to a scene from "Jurassic Park")

Robert Muldoon: Clever girl.

(Cinema Snob appears again)

CS: Okay, just let me make one joke here, and I will leave you alone.

NC: (groans) Fine.

CS: Thank you.

CS: (voiceover) Quick! We have to find some way to connect this movie to the book in just the loosest way. Uh…well, there was a house fire in the book. Okay, um, hey Bruce, knock over that candle over there!

(Hugh accidentally kicks over a candle)

CS: (voiceover) That'll do the trick. Now Scott Spencer wouldn't dare sue our asses.

NC: Okay, now piss off already!

NC: (voiceover) So thanks to Jade, Hugh has reached his boiling point and goes out to take care of David with…

(Hugh picks up a baseball bat from a closet and goes outside to the driveway where David is)

NC: (voiceover) (sighs) Really? A bat? Out of all the weapons you could have chosen from like a knife or gun, you select a bat? You know, really this guy's more of a nuisance than he is a threat. I mean somebody arming themselves with a baseball bat is about as intimidating as somebody with…

(cuts to a scene from "The Shining" miniseries where Jack hits Dick with a croquet malet)

NC: (voiceover) well, any other sports instrument.

(Hugh is about to take a swing at David, but stops)

Jade: Dad! Stop! You're gonna kill him!

(he stands still)

David: She wants to be with me.

NC: (voiceover) (imitating Hugh) You know, you guys are pretty much just telling me stuff I already know, and it's getting really old. (he drops the bat and walks back into the house) So…um…just be whatever. Yeah, it kind of puts a damper on my evil scheme, but I'm just getting tired. So, you win.

(he closes the front door and puts his hands against it)

NC: (voiceover) (whispers) Drat! I've been foiled by the power of lust.

NC: (voiceover) But he goes upstairs to find Chris's room in flames. So he tries desperately to get all of his dead son's achievements out safe. As you remember, he has an emotional attachment to Chris's possessions. David runs in after him, and tries to open a window, but the backdraft knocks him down and he loses consciousness. So Hugh is forced with a decision. This should be an easy one. Possesions…

(with an armload of Chris's things, Hugh sees David lying on the floor)

NC: (voiceover)…David…

(Hugh looks at Chris's things again)

NC: (voiceover)…possesions…

(Hugh drops Chris's things and helps David up)

NC: (voiceover)…David? Seriously, just what is it with Hugh's sudden change of heart toward him? He doesn't see this as an ample opportunity to be rid of David once and for all? What, is his Achilles' heel just people lying helplessly on the ground?

(the camera zooms in on a flaming college flag and a burning diploma, both of which were belongings to Chris)

NC: Oh boy. I've got to call Film Brain right now!

(he picks up a phone and dials the number quickly)

NC: I hope he's not still too torn up about…

(Film Brain picks up his phone while crying over a picture of Pinky and the Brain)

FB: He…hello?

NC: Hey Film Brain, this may be a bad time, but can you take a minute to do something for me?

FB: I can't do anything for anybody anymore!

NC: I just need you to shout "Symbolism!" for me.

FB: (crying while singing) They're Pinky and the Brain, Brain…Brahahahahain!

(NC hangs up)

NC: He's never going to get over it.

NC: (voiceover) So although we never know if the house survived, David and Hugh make it out okay. Kind of odd that a movie like this wouldn't take advantage of the opportunity of killing somebody off to try and squeeze out as many tears as possible. But hey, we still have a graveyard scene before Jade goes off to California.

Jade: I don't want to leave you like this.

Anne: I'll need you to. It's your love that inspires me, Jade.

NC: Yes, the love you and David have for each other is so inspiring. I need to have your father stare at my thighs more often.

NC: (voiceover) And who should be waiting at the airport for her?

(Jade sees David sitting there waiting)

(she runs across the street and leaps into his arms)

NC: (voiceover) (as David) You know, I got to say, Jade, for a movie that's all about fighting for love, I never really did much of it.

Tamara: (voiceover) (as Jade) Wait, what?

NC: (voiceover) (as David) Well, it's not like I had to. Your dad is just…

Tamara: (voiceover) (as Jade) I remember now! Love is your worst nightmare! We're through!

NC: (voiceover) (as David) Jade, wait! We're past the third act. Jade, come back here!

NC: (voiceover) So the movie ends with one last narration from Jade, even though it opened with David narrating, but hey, gotta give 'em points for consistency in being inconsistent.

Jade: (voiceover) My first love was everything all at once. My love's so big. So strong. Never loses it electricity. The kind of love you fight for. The kind of boy you fight for.

(they kiss on the beach, and the movie ends with the title appearing again)

NC: (voiceover) Well, I would see all that if every utterance of the word 'love' you used there was traded for 'lust'.

NC: Come to think about it, that's the #1 change that should be made to this entire movie!

(clips from the movie are shown)

NC: (voiceover) As you may have noticed, I have very mixed feelings about this movie. On one hand, I do have a soft spot toward those kind of movies that are so bad their good. And yeah, I would definitely count this among them. While not a life-changing bad movie like 'The Room', I'd say it's on the same level as something like 'Wicker Man'. It's so tone deaf to how cheesy, clichéd, and downright hilarious it truly is, that it's really hard to resist. But here's what concerns me about it. This is a movie that has the ultimate goal of getting hopeless romantic teenagers to fork over ten dollars. And they'll take anything as long as the characters are "just so in love". And this is clearly a very poor illustration of what real love is. Relationships aren't carried by just defiance against parents or a roll on the floor. And because the leads have no chemistry, sex and rebellion are the only evident ambitions they seem to have in pursuing each other. Fortunately, I do think some teens may be getting a better impression of how relationships really work from more realistic and insightful romance films from recent years (posters for "The Spectacular Now", "The Fault in Our Stars" and "Her" appear on screen), and, hell, even from the 80s (a poster for "Say Anything" appears on screen), but by now, I would have thought we'd be past the point of getting pandering romances like this. But with that said, if you're really in the mood for some unintentionally funny and crazy crap that will have you groaning and laughing at the same time, then this pile of endless scum is for you.

NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it…

(static)

CS: What was that?

NC: What happened to leaving me alone after you made your joke?

CS: That was before you started promoting this movie. I said do not support it in the slightest!

NC: That does it!

(he grabs a ping pong paddle)

CS: What? Oh no. Is that…

NC: Yes! It's a ping pong paddle! And I'm not afraid to use it!

(CS just sits in his chair faking screaming)

NC: I'll be right over to take care of you!

(turns to the audience)

NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to!

(he gets up and leaves)

Directed and Edited by

** Doug Walker**

Written by

** Doug Walker**

** Rob Walker**

Performed by

** Doug Walker**

** Brad Jones**

** Malcolm Ray**

** Tamara Chambers**

** Mathew Buck**

"The Review Must Go On" written by

** Doug Walker**

Orchestrated by

** Michael "Skitch"**

** Schiciano**

Props and Costumes by

**Jim Jarosz**

** And**

** Barney Walker**

Clips from

**Endless Love**

** The Purge**

** The Amazing Spider-Man 2**

** Frozen**

** Billy Madison**

** The Room**

** Return of the Jedi**

** The Notebook**

** Jurassic Park**

** The Shining Miniseries**

Channel Awesome logo

Jade: You don't fight for love! You're terrified of it!

* * *

><p>So what do you think? Did it sound like the Nostalgia Critic? If he did a review of this movie, is this how he would write it? In what ways could it be improved? Let me know, and please be nice. This is my first Fanfic.<p> 


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